went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
