If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Well I just put wine in my tea
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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