You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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