I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
