3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
