my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
