last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
