so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
