i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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