I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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