oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Alive.
So much puke
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
