i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
jump out the window naked night went bad
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