God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
