i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
