Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
