Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
