how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
