I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
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