i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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