i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
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