Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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