i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
