So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Green mimosas i think yes
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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