$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
