She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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