Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
