she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
