Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Randomize
