Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
