i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
