I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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