the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
