I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
