Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
