There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
