Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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