left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
