guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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