stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
