If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
