I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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