Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
