my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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