she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
