I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
