I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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