Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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