I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
