I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
