we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
