i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
