I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
