You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
