Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
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