I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
