I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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