i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
